"You were mean to my cat so I am breaking up with you."
"I will give you two choices. Either we can break up or I can cheat on you. Pick one."
"I can't stand it when guys whine during breakups so I have decided to just stop talking to you."
"How do I block someone on my phone? Namely you?"
"I think you and I could have been friends in another lifetime. What say we just be friends in another lifetime okay?"
"I have decided I want to see other people who are more attractive than you."
"You aren't funny or smart enough. I need someone who is witty, not twitty."
"So... wanna have breakup sex?"
"I have concluded you never bathe and I can't date Pigpen."
"You are a sex god(dess) and I don't want to be in a relationship based solely on sex."
"I cheated on you and got a STD. I think we should break up."
"Remember how we discussed having a threesome with another woman? Well I tried it without you and I have decided I prefer women over men."
"You wouldn't let me cut your hair so I am breaking up with you."
"I am leaving the country and going to Splitsvanistan. Goodbye."
"You and me were never meant to be so I think we should forget it ever happened."
"I think we should make like a banana and split."
"Break ups are hard, but it is much easier for me if I just end it now via text message."
"You kiss like an overly friendly dog and now I have fleas. If you come near me again I am calling the pound."
"I wish we could reverse time and never go out."
"Monkeys kiss better than you do. Maybe you should date a chimp instead."
"I found your p*** collection. You are so dumped."
"I need a man who is more like Mr Grey. You and me are Fifty Shades of Splitsville."
"What does you, me and Ukraine have in common?"
"I thought you and I would never break up but that was before I found out you were a loser."
"How dare you make fun of Mr Darcy! He is the perfect man and you are a loser who just got dumped."
"Sorry I don't go out on 2nd dates with losers who get dumped on the first date."
"You broke up with me before via text message so I am dumping you via text message so you can see what it is like."
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